It is difficult to know what to do when your teenager talks back to you. This behavior seems to have the ability to make the calmest of parents seethe with fury. But what are the best ways to actually handle this situation? As a mom going through raising teenagers, let me share what I am learning works best when your teenager talks back.
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1. Prevent It by Having Rules in Place
If you can prevent it from happening in the first place, that is the very best option. That isn’t always possible but I will tell you that if you have rules in place, it helps. When you have rules in place, there is no need for negotiations or talking back. Things are already decided and that’s that. When your teenager talks back, think about if it is because there are no rules to define what is and is not acceptable to them. If there aren’t any in place, it would be a good idea to set some.
2. Understand That They Are Upset
Sometimes teenagers talk back because they are upset. It is still no excuse and it doesn’t fly in our home, either way. But it can help me as a parent to know what is going on with my child more if I can step back out of the situation for a moment. Are they upset about something? Are they frustrated by their lack of choices? This isn’t always fixable but sometimes it is.
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3. Breathe through It
It is infuriating when your teenager talks back to you. Can you tell I am right there with you? I feel the same emotions you do, fellow mothers. But reacting in anger isn’t good for us or our teens. It is best to take a moment or two to just breathe through our anger until we are calm enough to deal with the situation. That is a better option than reacting harshly in anger.
4. Make Them Rephrase Their Words
Sometimes it's best to call your teenager’s attention to what they are doing. Making them rephrase what they just said is a way to do that. It calls their attention to the fact their words or tone were inappropriate. Most likely, your teen will not like this and will not want to repeat this exercise. That is a good thing and means that they get your point loud and clear.
5. Give Consequences
It is best to pick your battles with teenagers. But if they are being truly disrespectful, they need consequences. Each parent knows what works best to get the attention of their child. In our home, the loss of internet privileges magically helps respect reappear. Sometimes giving consequences is just what it takes.
6. Call It What It is
Talking back is rude. There is no need to pretend it is not. Sometimes a frank conversation with your teenager can help you to get this point across to them. Sometimes our teenagers don’t think about how they sound because they are so focused on themselves in the moment. Occasionally, a conversation about how their attitude comes across will nip it in the bud before you have to give consequences.
7. Remember It Will Pass
As difficult as it is to deal with, this phase of talking back will pass. Like all other things teenagers do, they will eventually outgrow it. Dealing with it in the meantime is the difficult part. Sometimes you just have to function on a day to day basis when dealing with teens. Their moods fluctuate frequently and so do their attitudes, so hopefully the phase of talking back will be a short lived one.
It takes effort, patience and sometimes creativity to deal with teenagers. What are your best tips for parenting teens? I would certainly love to hear from you!
Comments
Chelsea: I'm so tired of teenagers being seen as one-dimensional people. We are a lot more capable than we are given credit for and we have a right to our opinions during arguments. Also, if parents want us to act adult then talk to us like adults, don't just lecture.
Abee: I always hated the term "talking back", because it never seems to apply to parents in these kind of situations. With arguments between parents and teens, *both* sides have the right to voice their opinions, especially if they feel they are being wronged. Teens need a lot more credit, and some parents need to get out of the mindset that they know everything and that they are high above their kids.
Riya: It is utterly frustrating to see teenagers relegated to some kind of anomaly to be dealt with, superficially acknowledged but always thought to be inferior. I have seen teenagers capable of highly sophisticated debate. Dismissal on the part of parents only prove their own lack of maturity and inability to handle challenging ideas. So, before you conveniently ignore teenagers' so-called "talking back", examine if you are instead avoiding difficult problems. That, is bad parenting. Teenagers are not creatures to be tamed. We need to talk in candor, with sincerity, to understand and respect each other.
Danielle: Abee Robinson I agree because my mom yells too much and I tried voicing that, so then we got in an argument and she sent me to my dad's house for a week for talking back.
Irene: See coming from a controlling household its difficult because I tried to show my parents respect but they do not show respect back. I get upset they call it acting out. I had to harbor my emotions. No wonder I became so mentally unstable because none of their rules made sense to go by or they had double standard rules. I couldn't live my life. So i just gave up on trying to make them happy.
Karyn: But sometimes the kid has a good reason to talk back... Like when my mom calls me a cunt or a bitch or says she hates me
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