Whether you're a parent or not, I'm sure you've heard it said that a child's misbehavior is a result of bad parenting. While this may be true for some rare cases involving abuse or neglect, the majority of bad behavior seen in young children, all the way up through teens and beyond, is solely the choice of the child's. As a culture we need to stop blaming parents for the actions of their kids when they are simply doing their best at raising healthy children! As a parent of a toddler myself, and as some of you readers can relate to, it's hard to hear people falsely accuse you of bad parenting relating to a child's misbehavior. Keep reading for some amazing reasons why we need to stop blaming parents and instead shift our thinking!
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1. Stop Blame Shifting
As mentioned in the introduction, needing to place blame is the most common reason why we as a culture accuse parents for a child's misbehavior. How often have you seen a child throw a tantrum in a grocery store or react badly in a restaurant with loud words, and refuse to listen to mom and dad? I can admit to being judgmental in those situations even though my own child has acted the very same way! Children are figuring things out in life and make mistakes just as adults do. They also don't have the same level of mental capabilities as adults and thus feel overly emotional at times when they don't get their way. There needs to be a level of sympathy for parents who are just trying to navigate their child's behavior with appropriate responses, especially in a public setting!
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In addition to blame shifting being a common reaction to a child's misbehavior, studies have shown that societal pressure and unrealistic expectations also contribute to this phenomenon. Parents are bombarded with conflicting advice and standards of parenting, making it difficult to know what is truly best for their child. Furthermore, factors such as a child's temperament, family dynamics, and external influences also play a role in their behavior. It's important to recognize that parents are doing their best and should not be judged or blamed for their child's actions. Instead, we should offer support and understanding to help them navigate the challenges of parenting.
2. Focus on the Child's Behavior
A lot of times in an attempt to resolve situations quickly, it's easy to take the focus off of the behavior and blame it on something else. For example, if a child is tired, she may be disrespectful to her parents and it's easy to blame the behavior on exhaustion rather than focusing on the behavior itself. Teaching children at young age to make excuses for their behavior will inevitably lead to lack of responsibility later in life. If she wakes up one morning and just has a bad day, is it your fault as the parent for her behaviors? Certainly not! Instead, as a parent or even an onlooker, mentally believe that the child has a choice to make to be respectful and kind regardless of how they may feel. Also note that it's just as important to be forgiving as the adult when children make mistakes, especially when they are not at their best physically and emotionally.
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It is important to remember that children are responsible for their own behavior, and that parents should not take the blame for it. Parents should model the behavior they want to see in their children, and focus on reinforcing positive behaviors. They should also remember to be patient and understanding, and to provide guidance and support when needed. It is also important to be consistent with discipline, and to make sure that consequences are appropriate for the misbehavior. Finally, parents should not be afraid to reach out for help when needed, as there are many resources available to support them in raising their children.
Frequently asked questions
Look, kids are complex little beings. While parents do play a role in shaping their behavior, many factors come into play—like genetics, environment, and peer influence. Blaming parents totally overlooks these other influences.
Of course, parents can and do teach manners. But even with the best lessons, kids will sometimes act out. Think about it: Even adults lose their cool sometimes, right? Kids are still learning how to manage their emotions.
Not necessarily. Good parents can have kids who act out due to factors beyond their control, like sensory issues or mental health struggles. It's unfair to judge a parent's entire effort based on a child's bad moment.
Sure, setting boundaries is important. But even parents who set and enforce rules can have kids who misbehave. Kids are individuals with their own minds, and sometimes they just test limits. It’s part of growing up.
Fault is a tricky word here. Kids are learning and growing. Instead of blaming, it’s more helpful to understand why a child is acting out and how we can support them. Just piling blame on the parents doesn't solve anything.
3. Balancing Responsibilities
It needs to be understood that ultimately, the child is responsible for his or her own behavior. After all, more often than not the child has seen appropriate behavior played out in front of them time after time and knows deep down right from wrong. As a parent, you need to accept responsibility in modeling appropriate behavior and acknowledging your faults to him, as well as enforcing the child's responsibility for said behavior and as a growing human.
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Balancing responsibilities between parents and children is crucial for a healthy and well-adjusted family dynamic. While parents play a significant role in modeling appropriate behavior and teaching their children right from wrong, it is ultimately the child's responsibility to choose their actions. According to research, children are more likely to exhibit positive behavior when their parents are consistent in enforcing consequences for their actions. It is also important for parents to acknowledge their own faults and take responsibility for their behavior, as this sets a good example for their children. Ultimately, a balance of responsibility between parents and children is essential for promoting positive behavior and healthy relationships within the family.
4. Release Control as a Parent by Focusing on the Bigger Picture
If you blame yourself or blame other parents for their child's behavior, it prevents the child from seeing his life and growth as his own. It can possibly stunt his ability to know the difference between right and wrong, what decisions help him and what will harm him, and what things interest him according to his personality. Release control as a parent and onlooker by not blaming anyone, but instead reinforce what good behavior should look like and how bad behavior produces negative results.
5. Stress Accountability Even at a Young Age
When children are very young in their toddler years, it's more understandable to have greater patience and understanding because they are discovering new things and growing daily. However, a child's age is not a reason to neglect stressing personal accountability because it reinforces blaming others. If you blame others, yourself or other things now for your child's behavior, what will that look like down the road into her teens and adulthood? Instead, empathize with your child by saying that you understand she is tired and hungry, but that's no excuse to hit others and be mean. Encourage her to use words and that she is smart in expressing her needs. Positive reinforcement of good behavior works way better than yelling or blaming ever will.
6. Realize Each Child is Different
It's also really important to realize that each child is different and is wired to have different personality traits, interests, talents and even struggles. No two adults are the same, therefore no two children will have the same reactions in situations. Celebrate unique personalities of children by encouraging healthy expressions of their behavior. For example, my son is almost 3, is extremely active and needs constant activity to be happy and obedient. He swims, runs, plays age appropriate sports and takes a music class. Knowing what your child needs to be successful will help with bad behavior issues.
7. Accept Imperfections
Lastly, instead of blaming parents and circumstances for bad behavior, acknowledge that we are all human, including the tiny ones, which means we all make mistakes. Accepting our mistakes and knowing that each day is new and brings new opportunities will give you life, truly. Forgiveness is the healing element of blame shifting and guilt. Forgive yourself, accept your faults and move to change the areas in your life that need changing- slowly and day by day. Remember to verbally express your apologies to your child and ask for forgiveness when you mess up. This will teach them to do the same and to grow in humility and to take responsibility as adults!
I hope these reasons to stop blaming parents shed some light on your own thinking as either a parent or onlooker of parents and children. Just know that most parents do their best at raising healthy children and most days it seems like an experiment with what works best according to individual needs! Do any of you ladies care to share your own experiences?
Sources: m.empoweringparents.com
Comments
kisambira: i support you for not blaming parents
Irene: I have been a teacher for 5 years now and I can tell you it's all about the parents. I've had some difficult children in my class but there is a big difference between the ones that's have a set of rules and that are the product of good parents and there are some that you can see the exact attitude in a parent and in their kids. Kids see, kids learn. We are all the reflect of our parent doing
Taylor: Yeah there are soo many people who shouldn't have become parents. There horrible and you can tell the kids are picking up the bad habits. My one friend grew up in a very religious household and her parents were crazy - she's so screwed up now. I feel bad. There are things parents should learn to do and make sure your kids learn good habits. There are so many kids who run around grocery stores or cry and scream - where are the parents? Doing nothing. If you even ask them to control their offspring they get all snotty. Ugh
Puuupuuu: I don't get
Irene: For me as a child... My parents often blamed me for the misbehaviors and all that I did or didn't do because it was easy to do when it clearly wasn't my fault. My sister joined in the "fun" because she saw my parents do it and so she thought "why not mom and dad are doing it." Its so wrong the mental torment I had to go through constantly by them. Its sickening how they are behind closed doors and how the are in front of people. Its so twisted it makes me sick to say no child should have gone through the emotional and mental abuse as a child. My parents would also blame each other too. My mom was always stressed out because my father wasn't easy to get along with. It put us in a hole. Where he pretends things are ok. Our house was a nightmare. One thing wrong my sister and I would get a beating. Even when we are different my crazy mother would demand us to be like grown ups. The didn't care the didn't want us to act out in any way. It was torturous. Imperfection to an extent after that you needed to know what is expected. Like i could read minds. We are kids not miniature adults. Even to this day my relationship with my parents are minimal. I have my life to think about. I forgive them but the wounds are still deep. Soon God knows when when all that will be. I can actually say I forgive you. It makes me angry to think about the behaviors of some adults who shouldn't be parents to raise them up just to control and manipulate almost damaging a child's future. It isn't right to do.
Cherry: All kids reflect their behaviour on how they have been brought up. Parents are their role models at such young ages and kids tend to mimic their parent's behaviour. To them it seems normal.
Renee: Ever heard a kid say "well if you can do it, why can't i?" There you go. That's definite proof that poor parenting choices grow on the child. They figure you're their role model, if they see you doing something they'll more than likely follow.
Kat: I think that parents are accountable for how their child grows up and the values they are instilled with. Children have their own nature and personality but how a parent nurtures a child plays a large role in their development especially how they treat others. Still though what I find happens too often that frustrates me is how the term 'bad parenting' is often used too loosely.
Liane: I think she's just trying to blame somebody else for bad Parenting ! I'm sorry , but I see that most the times is the parents fault !!!!!
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