7 Worst Things to Say to a Woman Who's Had a Miscarriage ...
By Alison • 18 Comments
By Alison • 18 Comments
There are so many wrong things to say to a woman who's had a miscarriage. Unfortunately it is very difficult to know what to say under such sad circumstances, and in attempting to say words of comfort people often inadvertently say the wrong thing. These are definitely the wrong things to say to a woman who's had a miscarriage …
Of all the wrong things to say to a woman who's had a miscarriage, this is one of the least tactful. She's just lost a baby, albeit at an early stage, and the last thing she wants to think about is rushing into another pregnancy. First she has to mourn the baby she's lost and her body has to recover. She can't just replace her baby.
People often try to console a woman who's miscarried by telling her she can have another one. This is not going to help at all. Yes, she probably can and will go on to have another child. But the fact remains that she has lost a child that she was nurturing inside her, and looking forward to holding in her arms. Any other children that she has later will be individuals in their own right, as is the one she thought she would have.
Sometimes it may not be the best time to have a child, perhaps because of money being tight or the pregnancy was unplanned. So when a woman in these circumstances has a miscarriage, people think they are being comforting by saying that it's for the best. It's actually a horrible thing to say, because unplanned pregnancies can still be very much wanted.
Yes, there are people who actually tell a woman that she caused her miscarriage. This is an awful thing to say. They blame something in her lifestyle, as if the miscarriage is some kind of judgement. Often a woman blames herself anyway, even though in many cases the reason for the loss is not clear. So don't reinforce the erroneous belief that it's somehow her fault.
You may sincerely believe that the baby is with God, but the woman may not. Keep your religious beliefs to yourself, unless you are absolutely sure that she shares your views on the matter. Even then, it's best to follow her cue and only discuss the religious aspect if she brings the subject up.
Saying to a woman "At least you've already got one" is no comfort at all. It's not about numbers. To her, the child is an individual. Besides, secondary infertility (difficulty in conceiving after the first child) is a known problem and very bewildering for a couple who have naturally assumed that they will have a second child when they want.
No, it isn't just a miscarriage. You're not the one involved, so you can be detached. A miscarriage represents many things to a woman who suffers one. She might have known about the pregnancy for some time, and will have built up an emotional connection with the baby she's lost. So she can't just shrug it off and move on. She needs time.
Tactless comments to a woman who's had a miscarriage are often intended to be comforting, but do quite the opposite. True, it's not easy to come up with the right words; it may be better to say nothing and just give her a hug. What is the most tactless thing anyone's said to you at a sad time?