There some types of sex you have after becoming parents that you should know about. Every mom knows that feeling - after the last hungry member of the family has fallen asleep, how good it feels to just go to bed where to find what – something warm and comfortable – and this is not a man, the cat, or a bedbug. We`re speaking of the nice and soft sheets and the even nicer pillow on which to lay your head and fall into deep sleep.
Sure, sex is a nice thing, but whenever kids arrive into a couples` life, everything starts happening in a different way. In other words, dear friends, it`s not going to be the way it was.
Before the kids, a woman would walk around the house in transparent shorts with a glass of wine in one hand. Or get out of the shower naked, just to seduce her man, who is eating meatballs and watching the news at that time. Or have undisturbed sex in different locations around the house.
Now, after the kids come into our lives such frivolities are out of question. Just wondering what would a kid think after seeing mom In transparent shorts – maybe “Oh, no…why..what..!?” Or it is possible after seeing your breasts the kid (depending on his age) to remember about breastfeeding and you`ll have to wean him again. Yikes!
Well, sex continues to be a nice thing, but it needs to be done more quietly and it also gets space and time limited.
Nevertheless, it could keep it`s previous playfulness and charm.
And now, let`s review in a humorous, but a quite realistic look at the types of sex you have after becoming parents.
1. Key Sex
No, this is not a complicated technique that requires yoga movements. That is the type of sex that is done when there is a door between you and the kids. A door that actually gets locked. Don’t forget to leave the key inside the keyhole of your side of the door, so kids don’t unlock suddenly with the spare key and start screaming “AAAA, gross!” This type of sex requires solid nerves and cold-blooded attitude, while on the other side of the door someone starts knocking because they have a pee. This is one of the top types of sex you have after becoming parents.
2. Granny Sex
Again, no, it`s not what it sounds like. This sex is the best – it happens when kids are at their grandparents' place, and you are totally home alone and can put that satin, lacy underwear on. Here we have no other limitations than time because sooner or later someone is going to have to take the kids back. Hey, don`t forget to put your clothes on.
3. Weekend Sex
This one is connected with the granny sex because you need a granny to take care of the kids, while you go for a romantic weekend at a hotel. What usually happens is that you both sleep a lot in peace and quiet at last and then you go together to the bar and the pool. In the end, maybe there will be a little bit of sex after all.
4. Recreational Sex
This is a super quiet sex. No sounds at all. The one you can have while kids are asleep at night, your home is too small and the walls are too thin. Sometimes all you can get to is just remembering how you both did it in the good old times.
5. Dead-like Sex
Here one of the partners, usually it`s the woman, is present, but she looks like something that has died long time ago and has been dug out lately by the neighbor's dog. Usually this sex that happens when you haven’t slept for a whole year, because the kid`s been growing teeth, horns, hooves or whatever it is, or it`s you who have too many duties everywhere, been sick, or really, really tired….no matter the reasons - your man insists to consume you, because oh, you see, he has no problems with being tired when speaking about sex and cannot understand what the hell is that “I`m tired and dying for some sleep”.
6. Sex 18+
This is one of the best types of sex - when kids are already 18 years of age and you have prudently packed their bags so they go somewhere else and leave you alone. Then, if you still have that passion in the body and heart, or you`re just tired of playing chess or watching T.V., you can actually indulge in any unconventional practice, as long as by that time you don’t already have a hernia or other health issues that stop your impulses
7. The after-divorce Sex
This is a contemporary technique based on the many cases where parents are happily divorced. Then you have half the year just for you – kids are with your ex, call him to say few encouraging words and then go to your new one and have the sex you want. Of course, at that time he should have sent his kids to his ex for the weekend as well. But, hey, there`s no need to divorce just to have sex, right…
8. Paid Sex
This is a desperate try to run away from your grey every day at work – you take a paid day off from work and stay at home to have that good sex at last. While your colleagues are sweating in the office, you do the same under the sheets. The good part here is that you can have a nap during the day - a luxury that is unthinkable any other day. Our advice is to have this type of brainless sex at least once every 6 months.
9. Fast and Furious
Parents that have kids who can already move on their feet by themselves, but still wouldn’t buy it when you tell them to go and play in their room, so you have these 3 minutes for a quicky, right next to the salad and the French fries. It doesn’t require any preparation, but also expect no romance because there is no time – that is just a fast and technical sex that lasts exactly the time your child needs to go to the corridor and see for itself that there is no rhino there, or the ball that you told him he`ll find there, is not actually there. Keep in mind that some children are actually clever, and you might not always have the time for a satisfactory result
Well, basically these are the types of sex that parents with kids have. Of course, maybe there are more, but let`s be honest – how many of us have the strength and desire for naughty and frivolous performances in the six minutes between going to bed and falling asleep at night? Not to mention the mornings – who would think about sex at 6 am when there are 2 or 3 kids waiting for you to wake them up, wash, dress and make breakfast.
So, relax all of you with kids. These things happen to all of us and you are not alone!