Tips for stepfamilies are very useful, as it’s increasingly common for people with children to remarry or start new relationships. Combining two families or introducing a new partner is certainly not an easy matter. And if you find a partner who has kids, it’s difficult to know what your role is. So if you find yourself in this situation, you could definitely make use of these tips for stepfamilies …
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1. Time
The first of my tips for stepfamilies is that you must expect everything to take time. Your kids or your partner’s kids will not automatically accept the new person in their lives. Make the introduction gradually, and give everyone time to get used to the changes. It will definitely not be all harmony from day one!
2. Not Automatic
Remember that you, the adults, have chosen to start a new relationship. The children have not. They may well resent the new person in their mom or dad’s life, and miss their other parent being around. So don’t expect them to automatically accept the new situation; a great deal of patience will be required on your part!
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3. Don’t Be the Parent
As the (prospective) stepparent, never try to be a replacement parent. They already have a mom, so don’t try to take over her role. That’s not your place, and it’s a sure way to make them resent you. You have a right to expect to be treated nicely, but not to be called Mom (unless they choose to, and their real mom isn’t in their lives).
4. Expect Hiccups
Merging two families or introducing a new partner is never going to be an entirely smooth process! There will be many hiccups along the way, so be prepared for them. It’s important to have a realistic view of the situation, and not think that it’s going to work out easily right from the start.
5. Kids First
If you marry someone who already has kids, accept that there will be times when the kids come first. If you can’t deal with this, then get out of the relationship. If you’re the one who has kids, and your new partner isn’t happy with that, then get rid of them. Simple as that. Children must always be the most important thing.
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6. Be Friends with Everyone
This may not be the easiest thing, or indeed always possible, but try to keep a civil and friendly relationship with your partner’s ex, or your own. They are still, and always will be, the childrens' parent, so respect their role and position. Even if you can’t be best friends with them (which some people can manage), you can at least be polite.
7. Agree
Although you should never try to take the parental role over someone else’s child, both you and their father should agree on how they behave in your home and around you. The same goes for you and your new partner. It won’t help matters if your partner lets his kids get away with being rude to you; he must teach them to respect you.
8. Patience
Finally, remember that settling into a stepfamily will take a lot of time and patience! Raising kids is hard enough, and bringing in a new relationship makes things even more complicated. You will need to be prepared for hostility, resentment, and many cries of “You’re not my mother!”
Many people do successfully manage to form stepfamilies. It may take a lot of time, but that child who resents your presence in their father’s life can eventually become very fond of you, even a very good friend. As a stepparent, you will need an awful lot of patience and tolerance, but that’s what is needed if you want to be with someone who has kids or bring a new person into your kids’ lives. If you have been part of a stepfamily, as the child, parent or partner, how did you make it work?